Parenting Without Shame: Sex-Positive Parenting
As a parent, I often reflect on my own experiences growing up—particularly how I was (or rather, wasn’t) taught about sex, bodies, and relationships. One of the most defining aspects of my life has been my disconnection from my body, something I’m still working to understand and deconstruct. For so long, I was trapped under layers of shame, judgment, and unrealistic expectations, leaving me feeling lost and disconnected. I was never taught to trust my body, nor was I given the language or space to understand it on my own terms. I often wonder: What if I had grown up with emotionally safe adults to talk to? What if my sex education had been inclusive, comprehensive, and free of shame? What if I had been taught to relate to my body with respect, curiosity, and compassion?
That’s why I’m committed to showing up differently for my child. I want to create a space where they can explore their body, emotions, identity, and relationships without fear of shame or judgment. This is where sex-positive parenting comes in—raising kids with a focus on bodily autonomy, agency, embodiment, and pleasure, while also teaching them about consent, boundaries, emotional attunement, safety (both psychological and physical), and respect—principles that extend far beyond just sex. It’s about equipping our children with the tools they need to navigate the complexities of sexuality and relationships in an informed, healthy, and empowering way.
What Is Sex-Positive Parenting?
At its core…
sex-positive parenting is about fostering an environment where kids feel safe to explore their bodies, ask questions, and develop a healthy relationship with themselves, their sexuality, and others.
This approach emphasizes bodily autonomy, psychological and physical safety, and pleasure. It also helps kids develop an understanding of consent, communication, and the power dynamics that exist in relationships.
This isn’t just about talking to kids once in “The Talk”—that one-time, often awkward conversation about sex. Sex-positive parenting is about layering age-appropriate conversations throughout the parenting journey, gradually building a foundation of open communication and evolving lessons over time. By teaching kids to embody themselves, assert their agency, and respect themselves and others, we set them up for success in all areas of their lives.
Why It Matters
As parents, we all want our kids to grow up feeling empowered, informed, and confident in their own bodies. When we talk openly about bodies, relationships, and sexuality, we help our children develop the skills they need to make informed choices, respect themselves and others, and avoid harmful situations. We also teach them what healthy relationships look like, and why consent, communication, and mutual respect are essential to any meaningful connection.
But sex-positive parenting is about more than just keeping kids safe. It’s also about helping them understand the joys of intimacy, pleasure, and connection. If we frame sex education as something positive and empowering, kids are more likely to seek information and communicate openly with us, rather than turning to potentially harmful sources like peers or the internet.
Goals of Sex-Positive Parenting
In sex-positive parenting, we want our children to:
Understand their own bodies: This includes knowing about body parts, how they work, and learning to love and respect their bodies at all stages of development.
Recognize their emotions, needs, and limits: Developing emotional intelligence is key to navigating relationships and understanding when something feels right or wrong.
Have clear self-agency: We want our children to feel confident in acting in alignment with their desires, knowing when to say “yes” and when to say “no.”
Understand risks and how to manage them: This isn’t about scaring our kids, but about helping them understand the potential consequences of their actions, from physical health to emotional well-being.
Feel comfortable communicating and setting boundaries: Teach them how to speak up for themselves, listen to others, and create safe, respectful connections.
See you as a safe person: When we create an open, non-judgmental space, our children will feel comfortable coming to us with questions, fears, or concerns.
Respect themselves and others: This includes respecting their own boundaries and the boundaries of others.
Discern their intentions for their actions and decisions: Encourage critical thinking about how their actions affect themselves and others.
Grow to have safe, happy, healthy, and consensual sex lives: Ultimately, we want our children to feel empowered to make informed choices in their relationships and sexual experiences, free from shame or fear.
Addressing the Barriers
Talking about sex with kids isn’t easy.
I know this from personal experience—growing up, I had no framework for discussing bodies or relationships.
No one talked to me about my body (beyond how it should look to be attractive to others), puberty, gender, sex, sexuality, relationships, emotions, or consent, and I didn’t feel comfortable asking questions. I was just expected to figure it all out on my own. I wasn’t given the tools to understand my body, my feelings, or my desires in a healthy way. This left me feeling confused, anxious, and ultimately disconnected from myself, leading to a lot of unnecessary harm.
As a parent, I want my child to feel empowered and embodied, which means doing a lot of internal work to show up differently for them.
As parents, we often face barriers that make it difficult to have these conversations:
Discomfort: Many of us feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about sex, and that discomfort can spill over into our parenting.
Anxiety: We may worry that we’ll say the wrong thing or that our kids are too young to understand.
Shame and guilt: If we were raised in environments where sex was stigmatized, it can be hard to break free from that mindset and create a healthier approach for our kids.
Feeling unprepared: Let’s face it—sometimes we don’t feel like we have all the answers. And that’s okay!
Not knowing where to start: With so much to cover—body awareness, consent, relationships, sexual orientation, and more—it’s easy to feel overwhelmed.
The key is to start where you are. It’s okay to be honest about your own discomfort and admit that you don’t have all the answers. What matters most is that you create a safe, open space for your child to ask questions, express their thoughts, and learn at their own pace.
Creating a Sex-Positive Household
To create a sex-positive home, start by laying the groundwork for open communication.
Begin talking about bodies and relationships early on, using language that’s age-appropriate but clear. Here are some key topics to explore at different stages:
Bodies: Help your kids understand body parts and how their bodies work. Teach them to respect both their own bodies and the bodies of others.
Consent: Build a consent-conscious household by teaching your child about saying “yes” and “no” in all contexts—whether it’s hugging a relative or choosing what to wear.
Emotions: Encourage emotional intelligence by helping your child understand and trust their own feelings and needs.
Gender and Sexual Orientation: Normalize gender and sexual diversity by exploring identity and expression without shame. Teach your child to respect the diversity of others.
Media Literacy: In today’s digital world, it’s crucial to teach your kids about online safety, media consumption, and the potential impact of pornography.
Puberty and Menstruation: Foster a shame-free understanding of puberty, menstruation, and other physical changes.
Relationships: Help your child identify the qualities of healthy relationships, from friendships to romantic love.
Sex: Don’t just talk about the mechanics—discuss consent, pleasure, and emotional connection.
Masturbation: Normalize curiosity about one’s own body and reduce any associated shame.
The Ongoing Journey of Sex-Positive Parenting
Sex-positive parenting is not a one-time task—it’s an ongoing journey. It requires us to reflect on our own beliefs, address our trauma, unlearn shame, move through discomfort, and stay curious as we navigate our children’s growth. It means healing from our own pasts, staying informed, and offering our kids the space to develop their own understanding of their bodies and relationships.
In the end, sex-positive parenting is about empowering our children to feel confident, curious, and in charge of their own bodies and experiences. It’s about creating a foundation of love, respect, and understanding that will serve them throughout their lives.
It’s never too late to start unlearning the shame and stigma we’ve been taught. By working on our own healing and showing up for our children in an authentic and compassionate way, we can help them build a future where they feel empowered to live with confidence, consent, and joy.
