Radical Family Building Includes Intergenerational Relationships

My mother recently visited from her home in the southern half of the state, and it was a truly beautiful visit. She got to spend unlimited time with my son, and she very willingly cooked for my family the entire time she was here. It was a dream of a visit, which is not always the case when extended family comes to town. My little one had some big feelings when he had to bid his grandma farewell, and as I drove my mom down to the airport and watched her walk to her terminal with two oversized suitcases that were previously filled with toys, I must admit that I had some pretty big feelings too.

Not only was I going to miss my mom,

but I was going to miss having an elder consistently and actively involved in my kid’s life and my family’s life.

There was a recent New York Times article discussing the grief that many elder adults feel because more and more younger people are opting out of having children. There is an unspoken grief of never becoming a grandparent, the article asserts. And while I am sure their grief is valid, I–and other parents of my generation–have experienced our own grief around what we expected community care to look like in parenting and the reality of what it has actually looked like. I grew up with one grandmother living in my home and another grandmother living in my aunt’s home right down the street. As a Congolese family, this is a pretty standard cultural practice. But in the United States, the average age of retirement has continued to increase, families tend to move away from their hometowns to pursue better careers or more affordable housing, and by the time grandparents are able to retire, many somewhat understandably desire a bit of selfishness in their retirement after decades of childrearing and being tied down by the shackles of capitalism. The combination of these factors has made for a generation that unfortunately does not have elders as intimately connected to their lives as we’ve seen and experienced previously, and yes, many are choosing to forgo the idea of kids completely. But can you blame them? The current need for elder support in child rearing is so great, but the average availability is—for many reasons—virtually non-existent.

The Importance of Intergenerational Relationships

Clearly, I could benefit from having my mom nearby.

The regular childcare alone would ease the burden of parenthood tremendously.

Not to mention the multiple other forms of shared labor that would come with her presence. But parenting support aside, there are mutual benefits to intergeneral relationships that many of our ancestors not only recognized, but also held sacred. I know from personal experience that when my family is in close proximity to elders, I learn more about myself and my history, my child feels love and care outside of the nuclear family construct, and the elders are able to tap into their own sense of playfulness, childlike wonder, and mind-broadening activity. And historically speaking, elders have been some of the most respected and highly regarded members of intentional communities. 

In many non-Western and often non-white communities, elders are the keepers of history and tradition. Elders are the ones to orally pass down stories, values, and spiritual practices to the next generation. A child’s relationship with elders has been thought of to be especially sacred because when looking at it from a life cycle perspective, elders and children are two cohorts that are the closest to the spirit realm–one recently born from it and one preparing to re-enter it. Children and elders have much to offer each other and the communities of which they are a part.  To be connected with elders is to be simultaneously connected to your past, present, and future.

In speaking about the importance of elders, however, it is necessary to return to the grief that younger generations have experienced due to the lack of available familial elders.

For many of the aforementioned reasons, there is a rapidly growing disconnect between elders and their younger relatives. And I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the outdated and harmful views that have been internalized by the “boomer” generation, often leading to trauma, lack of safety, and a sense of distrust between the generations. Many have had to draw emotional and even physical boundaries around engagement with elders within their own families, and while these boundaries tend to be for the best, there may still be grief there. There may still  be the feeling that something or someone is missing in the family. I have this very experience with some elders in my family, and I believe that both the boundaries and the grief deserve to be honored. It is also my belief, though, that if intergenerational relationships are important to you and your family, grief is not where it has to end.

Chosen Family Can Include Chosen Elders

Many cultures and communities have been in the practice of honoring “chosen family” just as much as, if not more than, blood relatives.

In African and Black communities, we often hear of “play cousins” and “play aunties”—the family friends who over time have become fairly indistinguishable from blood family. I remember being a teenager and finding out that several of my cousins were not blood related to me at all—a revelation that shocked me because in every way apart from blood relation, these cousins had always been family. And they were—they were just family that was chosen as opposed to given.

This concept of chosen family has existed for centuries, across various cultural and identity backgrounds. Although many parents currently take pride in the idea of their best friends earning the title of “aunty,” chosen families were historically created out of necessity. Black enslaved Africans were violently torn from their family members and were forced to find community with the other enslaved people on the same  plantation—choosing family became necessary for survival. Similarly, queer and trans people have had to turn to our own when faced with familial rejection, abuse, and life-threatening behaviors. At its root, chosen family has always been life saving.

Often when we think about chosen family now, we think of peers within our generation. When we think about building a community as parents or finding a “village” during pregnancy and postpartum, we usually turn to others at our similar age and stage. When at events and gatherings, it is far easier to allow connections to form with those who we perceive to be most like us than those with differing identities—including generational identities. When we’re honest with ourselves, many of us do not automatically think of elders when we think of seeming, creating, or fostering a chosen family.

I’d like to challenge myself to operate differently, which involves shifting my mindset around family building, inclusion, and community needs. Radical family building includes chosen elders. Diversity also includes age and generational diversity. My son needs elders in his life—not to replace physically or emotionally distant grandparents, but as a supplement. A welcome addition. And in the tradition of chosen families past, a true life saving necessity.